I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize