I love black thongs
My liver just broke up with me...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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