Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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