is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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