WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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