omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
