True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
