I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
