1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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