my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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