i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
