wanna go halves on a baby?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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