Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
