After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
