This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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