dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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