Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
