i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
