Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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