I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
