I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
