Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
