Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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