I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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