you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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