I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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