The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
