I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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