it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
