WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize