It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
