Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
