My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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