i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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