i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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