becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize