I should be sponsored by Trojan
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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