apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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