John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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