We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
