It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
