Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
