I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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