I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
