I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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