I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
