I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
