sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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