woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
