My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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