I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
