his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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