did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
50% drunk capacity currently
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize