I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
