I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
organizing the empties. That sober.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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