I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
