my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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