My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it glows. i had to have it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
