This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
