Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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