My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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