You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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