someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
