oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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