Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
