And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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