Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
3pm strippers are depressing
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
