Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
